When am I going to get back into the phase where the routine of Diabetes doesn't bother me?
It never really used to bother me. I would eat, take insulin and that would be that. I would correct as necessary and go on with my life. I wasn't extremely strict with my blood sugar control. My diet was eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation. It worked for me. I've had my share of highs and lows, but I wasn't going to not eat something because I have diabetes. I would eat it and deal with whatever came. Yes, there were times I was frustrated, but I would get frustrated for a minute and move on. I wasn't really worried about losing weight, I didn't need to. I wasn't gaining weight, I was just settled and happy.
But over the past year or so, I've been so overwhelmed with the routine of Diabetes. The thought of having to have perfect blood sugars for the rest of my life freaks me out. So instead of doing what I need to be doing, I'm doing the opposite, which freaks me out, too. I'm not sure I quite know how to balance everything. I'm learning that I am an extremeist. It's either all or none. So I get myself worked up over what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating, how many calories are in this, but I really want it, but it's not good for you, maybe I'll just eat low carb forever, but I love chips, candy and ice cream, maybe I'll do the medeterranian diet, but should I be eating that many carbs, but if they're healthy carbs then it should be okay, but if it's a lot of healthy carbs that's not good, ok low carb it is, but what about those treats, I shouldn't eat those treats anyway... and it goes on and on and on... all. day. Every day. So after this exhausting banter with myself, I just say screw it and eat whatever I want and pretend like diabetes doesn't exist.
So then I think, why not just go back to before. Eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation. But the problem is when I think back over the course of my diabetes, I've never really had THAT great of control. The only time my A1C was under 7% was when I had a job that was physical and my blood sugar went low all the time. That A1C isn't perfect, it's pretty good, but not great. I always thought I was very healthy. All of my labs were good, I was doing it right... but now I think 6.5 years with okay blood sugars... maybe I'm not as healthy on the inside as I think.
It all scares me. Being able to manage my blood sugars for the rest of my life scares me. Going on a strict diet scares me. Eating in moderation scares me. The thought of looming complications scares me. Any aches or pains I now get scares me.
And obviously having an eating disorder doesn't help one bit. And that scares me too. Can I just say that diabetes completely ruins your relationship with food, and when you already have the food issues... good luck, Chuck.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
And So It Begins
I haven't posted in a little while, and I think it's because I didn't really want to focus my energy on writing out my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to spend my time focusing on getting better and making better choices. But, I don't think the focus was completely there. Honestly, I think I just didn't have anything good to say..
I started therapy last week. Sitting in the waiting room, I felt like a complete idiot. I couldn't believe that I had to be sitting there, waiting for someone else to talk to me about a problem I can't fix on my own. Thoughts of how much of a waste of time and money this was going to be were running through my head. Then as people started filling the waiting room, I thought about how even more embarrassing it would be if someone I know walked in. I didn't know what to expect from the therapist or how she would be able to help me.
When she called me back, I was surprised to find out how friendly she was. I liked that. But I was also a little surprised that I had to educate her on diabetes. I wasn't so much a fan of that. She told me that in her thirty years of experience, she's only had one other person with the same issues as me, "and that was a loooong time ago." I was frustrated that most of the time was spent with me answering her questions on diabetes, high blood sugar, the effects on the body, etc. But I guess it's better that she ask and learn than just decide I can be treated like the rest.
After my appointment I decided that I didn't really have the desire to binge, or force my sugars through the roof. I was proud that I felt those feelings. I spent most of the weekend with moderate control, didn't weigh myself at all, ate what I wanted and I felt like maybe things were getting back to normal. Saturday night wasn't the best.. I was home alone all night and fell back into my bad habits.. which was strange because as I was at the store picking out what I was going to binge on, I didn't really want any of it. And when I got home, I couldn't eat all of it without bolusing.. I felt guilty. So, by Sunday, I was back on the horse. I was hoping that was a sign of a change; and I think maybe it is.
Although last night and today, I'm back off, making bad decisions. After a day of high blood sugar, and a monsterous headache, I finally said to myself, "What am I doing? This is nuts. I'm not going to get any better if this is what I'm doing." I faced the meter, checked my blood sugar and gave myself the correction I needed.
So I guess after this rambling post, I've decided that maybe the therapy will work. Or maybe I've just decided myself that enough is enough. Either way, I think I'll continue down this path, take it day by day, spend some much needed time finishing up the final plans for our wedding... that's 25 days away (YIKES!)... and truly enjoy life.
I started therapy last week. Sitting in the waiting room, I felt like a complete idiot. I couldn't believe that I had to be sitting there, waiting for someone else to talk to me about a problem I can't fix on my own. Thoughts of how much of a waste of time and money this was going to be were running through my head. Then as people started filling the waiting room, I thought about how even more embarrassing it would be if someone I know walked in. I didn't know what to expect from the therapist or how she would be able to help me.
When she called me back, I was surprised to find out how friendly she was. I liked that. But I was also a little surprised that I had to educate her on diabetes. I wasn't so much a fan of that. She told me that in her thirty years of experience, she's only had one other person with the same issues as me, "and that was a loooong time ago." I was frustrated that most of the time was spent with me answering her questions on diabetes, high blood sugar, the effects on the body, etc. But I guess it's better that she ask and learn than just decide I can be treated like the rest.
After my appointment I decided that I didn't really have the desire to binge, or force my sugars through the roof. I was proud that I felt those feelings. I spent most of the weekend with moderate control, didn't weigh myself at all, ate what I wanted and I felt like maybe things were getting back to normal. Saturday night wasn't the best.. I was home alone all night and fell back into my bad habits.. which was strange because as I was at the store picking out what I was going to binge on, I didn't really want any of it. And when I got home, I couldn't eat all of it without bolusing.. I felt guilty. So, by Sunday, I was back on the horse. I was hoping that was a sign of a change; and I think maybe it is.
Although last night and today, I'm back off, making bad decisions. After a day of high blood sugar, and a monsterous headache, I finally said to myself, "What am I doing? This is nuts. I'm not going to get any better if this is what I'm doing." I faced the meter, checked my blood sugar and gave myself the correction I needed.
So I guess after this rambling post, I've decided that maybe the therapy will work. Or maybe I've just decided myself that enough is enough. Either way, I think I'll continue down this path, take it day by day, spend some much needed time finishing up the final plans for our wedding... that's 25 days away (YIKES!)... and truly enjoy life.
Monday, March 25, 2013
What's Good
I think today I need to remind myself of what's good about me and my life. I've been so negatively focused for such a long period, that I think I need a refresher course of my good qualities and what I love about life.
I'm tired of feeling dredged in sadness and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure I'm becoming a pain to my friends and family, and for someone who is so afraid of being judged negatively, it doesn't make me feel any better knowing the impression I am leaving on them.
So, if I canwrite type down my good qualities, the good things I have going for me and the things I love, maybe that will make me, once again, realize how good I've actually got it.
I could go on, but I think that this list reaffirms that my life is great! It's definitely what I needed today. When my mind is so bogged down with the negative, it's easy to forget who I really am.
I also want to share with you my awesome puppies:
And proof that I really do like to make people laugh :)
I'm tired of feeling dredged in sadness and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure I'm becoming a pain to my friends and family, and for someone who is so afraid of being judged negatively, it doesn't make me feel any better knowing the impression I am leaving on them.
So, if I can
- I'm marrying my best friend in 33 days. :)
- My sister and I couldn't be more opposite, but she's the best sister ever
- My parents are AMAZING, everything I strive to be
- I have two awesome puppies that truly love me unconditionally
- My extended family is super close and I love getting together with every single one of them
- We own our home and are having fun updating it
- Despite the tone of this blog, I'm actually pretty funny and I love trying to make people laugh
- I am a really good cook and will spend hours in the kitchen trying new things
- I love adventure, camping and being outdoors
- I think I'm one of the nicest people ever
- I'm a great gift giver
- I'm a talented graphic designer
- I think I'm pretty smart
- I always soak in every moment, thouroughly enjoying the little things in life.
- Two things that ALWAYS put me in a good mood: sunshine and good music
- I'm a very good competitive swimmer. I love the water. I will be a mermaid in my next life.
- I love going to the lake and relaxing on a boat
- I love fashion. I will be a fashion designer/stylist/makeup artist mermaid in my next life.
- I love history and antiques.. I swear I'm like a 60 year old trapped in a 27 year old's body.. My birthday present was a trip to the American Pickers shop..
I could go on, but I think that this list reaffirms that my life is great! It's definitely what I needed today. When my mind is so bogged down with the negative, it's easy to forget who I really am.
I also want to share with you my awesome puppies:
And proof that I really do like to make people laugh :)
Thursday, March 21, 2013
It's a Choice
Everyday, from my sophomore year in high school to my senior year, my English teacher had "It's A Choice" written on the whiteboard and all over the classroom. She constantly reminded us that whatever decisions we made in life was a choice that we would make. Everything from deciding what pencil to use to what our attitude was going to be that day was a choice. I loved my English teacher and I think about that phrase almost daily.
But it's a struggle. I wish all choices were easy, but they aren't. I can choose to take my insulin properly, but I don't. I can choose to eat the right foods, but on my bad days, I don't. I make the bad choices day in and day out, but I can't seem to stop myself. My disbulimia has a wrap around my positive decision making that constantly tells me that I need to punish myself, or lose that weight, or that I'm not good enough. Those thoughts cloud my choice making, so I end up choosing the wrong things.
One positive choice that I made today was the choice that I was going to go get professional help. I've realized that I can't do it on my own. As embarrassed that I am that I'm a grown adult that can't get it together, I think it's the best decision that I've made. After talking with my family, they all have told me that I shouldn't be embarrassed and that everyone needs help at one time or another. I guess that's true.. but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing.
Since deciding that I need to go get help, I feel a little less stressed. I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier, hoping that someone who specializes in eating disorders can give me encouragement and ideas that will help me.
I know that I have to do the work and I have to want to get better and no one can do it for me, but I think that I'm ready for that. I want to be back to normal. I want to have fun with my friends and family. I want to have the best summer with Brandon, doing anything and everything we can do. I want to look forward to the future with confidence and not fear.
I don't want to be driven crazy obsessing about this anymore. I've broken down and I've had it. I'm at the fork in the road where I can choose to go down the path of happiness and health or I can choose to let diabulimia be my life, and a short life it would be.
I'm choosing happiness.
But it's a struggle. I wish all choices were easy, but they aren't. I can choose to take my insulin properly, but I don't. I can choose to eat the right foods, but on my bad days, I don't. I make the bad choices day in and day out, but I can't seem to stop myself. My disbulimia has a wrap around my positive decision making that constantly tells me that I need to punish myself, or lose that weight, or that I'm not good enough. Those thoughts cloud my choice making, so I end up choosing the wrong things.
One positive choice that I made today was the choice that I was going to go get professional help. I've realized that I can't do it on my own. As embarrassed that I am that I'm a grown adult that can't get it together, I think it's the best decision that I've made. After talking with my family, they all have told me that I shouldn't be embarrassed and that everyone needs help at one time or another. I guess that's true.. but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing.
Since deciding that I need to go get help, I feel a little less stressed. I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier, hoping that someone who specializes in eating disorders can give me encouragement and ideas that will help me.
I know that I have to do the work and I have to want to get better and no one can do it for me, but I think that I'm ready for that. I want to be back to normal. I want to have fun with my friends and family. I want to have the best summer with Brandon, doing anything and everything we can do. I want to look forward to the future with confidence and not fear.
I don't want to be driven crazy obsessing about this anymore. I've broken down and I've had it. I'm at the fork in the road where I can choose to go down the path of happiness and health or I can choose to let diabulimia be my life, and a short life it would be.
I'm choosing happiness.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Today
I wasn't sure if I wanted to blog today. I've had no aha moment, I don't feel upset, I haven't thought of anything profound... I've just gone about my day and I've actually been in a pretty good mood. I didn't know what I would write about... but then it hit me... Pretty sure I'm in denial today.
I've fallen off the wagon slowly over the past few days, and I'm not proud of it, but I don't seem to care. Usually, I get upset about what I'm doing to myself. I worry about what I'm going to say if someone asks me how I'm doing. I generally feel like crap, but for some reason today, I don't.
I ate my donuts for breakfast and didn't really think twice that I was A) eating donuts and B) didn't take insulin. I've been munching on my coconut M&M's throughout the day, not really noticing, not trying to hide them as usual, and of course, not taking insulin. Went to lunch with my mom and ordered what I wanted on the menu and didn't worry about what she would think if I ordered the fried chicken sandwich instead of the grilled, like I would normally worry about. She asked if I was taking care of myself, I said I was, I changed the subject, gave myself a small amount of insulin just so she wouldn't ask, and ate my meal. Now this afternoon, I've been casually strolling the office munching on the snacks that the guys have laying around, thinking to myself, I'm fine, I'm going to eat this and I don't care! I've been thinking, eh, I'll take insulin to correct my blood sugar that I haven't checked in days and the correct amount for dinner tonight, and I'll be fine. No one has to know that I slipped up, and most importantly, no one has to know that I didn't care about it.
My jeans were loose this morning, and I think that's what gave me the encouragement that I've lost weight again and that I should keep going. In a sick way, I felt good about myself this morning, so I've had that attitude all day.
I keep thinking, ok, I'm going to start eating healthy again and exercise just like everyone else out there who wants to lose weight and be fit. I need to work at it like everyone else. But then I get lazy, so it continues. I'm embarrassed.
I'm also afraid.. am I ever going to be happy with myself inside and out?
I've fallen off the wagon slowly over the past few days, and I'm not proud of it, but I don't seem to care. Usually, I get upset about what I'm doing to myself. I worry about what I'm going to say if someone asks me how I'm doing. I generally feel like crap, but for some reason today, I don't.
I ate my donuts for breakfast and didn't really think twice that I was A) eating donuts and B) didn't take insulin. I've been munching on my coconut M&M's throughout the day, not really noticing, not trying to hide them as usual, and of course, not taking insulin. Went to lunch with my mom and ordered what I wanted on the menu and didn't worry about what she would think if I ordered the fried chicken sandwich instead of the grilled, like I would normally worry about. She asked if I was taking care of myself, I said I was, I changed the subject, gave myself a small amount of insulin just so she wouldn't ask, and ate my meal. Now this afternoon, I've been casually strolling the office munching on the snacks that the guys have laying around, thinking to myself, I'm fine, I'm going to eat this and I don't care! I've been thinking, eh, I'll take insulin to correct my blood sugar that I haven't checked in days and the correct amount for dinner tonight, and I'll be fine. No one has to know that I slipped up, and most importantly, no one has to know that I didn't care about it.
My jeans were loose this morning, and I think that's what gave me the encouragement that I've lost weight again and that I should keep going. In a sick way, I felt good about myself this morning, so I've had that attitude all day.
I keep thinking, ok, I'm going to start eating healthy again and exercise just like everyone else out there who wants to lose weight and be fit. I need to work at it like everyone else. But then I get lazy, so it continues. I'm embarrassed.
I'm also afraid.. am I ever going to be happy with myself inside and out?
Monday, March 18, 2013
Perfection
I keep telling myself that after our wedding, I'm going to just eat what I want in moderation and if I gain weight from being healthy and taking insulin properly, then I gain weight. I keep telling myself that I won't care what people think about how I look because they don't know my struggles. They won't know that a little bit of weight gain means I'm actually healthy. Plus, I won't be so stressed about looking my best in my wedding dress anymore. So who cares, right?
The problem is that I care too much about what people think about me. I do NOT want to be looked at negatively and I do everything in my power to project a perfect image. I want to be the super nice, perfectly put together girl who leaves an impression on people. I've been that way as long as I can remember. I have always put such an emphasis on the clothes I wear, and the way my hair looks, and making sure my makeup is done just right. And I don't have a mean bone in my body. I've always been the nice girl who is a mega people pleaser and makes sure everyone else is happy before me. So when I work so hard to put together this image, it would be my nightmare to be judged negatively, on anything. That's my biggest fear and that's a lot of pressure.
In reality, who honestly cares what I look like? Does anyone really judge me for that? I know that I don't look at other people that way. I think other people's personalities are far more important than their looks, so why would I think that people care about that? And even if they did, that's kind of sad, isn't it? To go around and really judge people based on what they look like. I've had a few people close to me tell me lately that they are struggling with their weight. When they tell me that, I don't even notice that they would be worried about that. I don't care what they look like, I love them for who they are. So why is it such a big deal to me? That's something I'm trying to figure out.
Throughout this journey, I've become very philosophical and I'm learning a lot about myself, life, and human nature. And I think that's a good thing. I'm sort of like my own therapist, which I also think is a good thing because with anything you're struggling with, it takes YOU to make a change. Other people will support you, but no one can do it for you. Also.. it's a lot cheaper to be your own therapist.. maybe with the money I save there, I can go buy myself a new outfit!
The problem is that I care too much about what people think about me. I do NOT want to be looked at negatively and I do everything in my power to project a perfect image. I want to be the super nice, perfectly put together girl who leaves an impression on people. I've been that way as long as I can remember. I have always put such an emphasis on the clothes I wear, and the way my hair looks, and making sure my makeup is done just right. And I don't have a mean bone in my body. I've always been the nice girl who is a mega people pleaser and makes sure everyone else is happy before me. So when I work so hard to put together this image, it would be my nightmare to be judged negatively, on anything. That's my biggest fear and that's a lot of pressure.
In reality, who honestly cares what I look like? Does anyone really judge me for that? I know that I don't look at other people that way. I think other people's personalities are far more important than their looks, so why would I think that people care about that? And even if they did, that's kind of sad, isn't it? To go around and really judge people based on what they look like. I've had a few people close to me tell me lately that they are struggling with their weight. When they tell me that, I don't even notice that they would be worried about that. I don't care what they look like, I love them for who they are. So why is it such a big deal to me? That's something I'm trying to figure out.
Throughout this journey, I've become very philosophical and I'm learning a lot about myself, life, and human nature. And I think that's a good thing. I'm sort of like my own therapist, which I also think is a good thing because with anything you're struggling with, it takes YOU to make a change. Other people will support you, but no one can do it for you. Also.. it's a lot cheaper to be your own therapist.. maybe with the money I save there, I can go buy myself a new outfit!
Friday, March 15, 2013
One Minute
It really is one minute at a time that I'm working on overcoming this battle. I have spent most of my day today sad and mad at myself for making poor food choices and even poorer blood sugar control choices because of my poor food choices. I've been thinking about how embarrassed I am that I'm an adult but can't seem to find the strength to manage this disease. I can't believe how much of a hold the beets has on my brain to make me feel this way and torture myself.
This is typically how a bad day goes. It drives me crazy. And then after all the dialogue in my head, the back and forth of feeling sad, guilty, mad, embarrassed, etc, I have an aha moment. (Thanks, Oprah) A moment where I realize what I'm doing to myself and how important it is to get ahold of the good in my brain. Today, that moment happened when I looked at a picture of Brandon and I. We look so happy in it, and that's what matters.
I've been feeling such a disconnect lately with everything in my life, including him. I feel like anything that I have to say isn't important, so I don't say it. I've felt like these emotions have taken over my life, and it's not fair to him, or anyone, to listen to me complain about it AGAIN, so I don't. But because I've been bottled up, I'm not letting anyone in or letting myself out, and that's a problem.
So when I looked at that picture, I realized how much I love being with him and how much fun we have when we're together and how I'm looking forward to spending my life with him and taking in all that life has to offer together. And I can't do that if I'm stuck in the beets darkside. We can't go out and have fun if I'm sad and want to be alone. We can't update our house or go swim at the lake or go camping or do anything we love to do if I'm sick. I need to keep fighting the fight and look forward to our future.
I know this is going to be an uphill battle for a little while, but I need to keep on keepin' on. I'll eventually get to where I need to go.
This is typically how a bad day goes. It drives me crazy. And then after all the dialogue in my head, the back and forth of feeling sad, guilty, mad, embarrassed, etc, I have an aha moment. (Thanks, Oprah) A moment where I realize what I'm doing to myself and how important it is to get ahold of the good in my brain. Today, that moment happened when I looked at a picture of Brandon and I. We look so happy in it, and that's what matters.
I've been feeling such a disconnect lately with everything in my life, including him. I feel like anything that I have to say isn't important, so I don't say it. I've felt like these emotions have taken over my life, and it's not fair to him, or anyone, to listen to me complain about it AGAIN, so I don't. But because I've been bottled up, I'm not letting anyone in or letting myself out, and that's a problem.
So when I looked at that picture, I realized how much I love being with him and how much fun we have when we're together and how I'm looking forward to spending my life with him and taking in all that life has to offer together. And I can't do that if I'm stuck in the beets darkside. We can't go out and have fun if I'm sad and want to be alone. We can't update our house or go swim at the lake or go camping or do anything we love to do if I'm sick. I need to keep fighting the fight and look forward to our future.
I know this is going to be an uphill battle for a little while, but I need to keep on keepin' on. I'll eventually get to where I need to go.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Road to Recovery
Diabetes SUCKS.
And that's putting it mildly. Everything about it sucks. The carb counting and watching what you eat sucks. The potential for complications sucks. Having to be connected to a machine 24/7 or take shots multiple times a day sucks. And those are just some of the physical things. There's an entire different side to diabetes that most people don't see: the emotional side, and I think that's what sucks the most.
For non beets people, the emotional side of diabetes is hard to understand. What we have to deal with on a daily basis can be tolling. This disease is 24/7/365. There are no breaks, none without consequences anyway, and you are constantly having to think about the beets and blood sugar. This can lead to diabetes burnout, and that's where I'm at.
I don't want to do it anymore. Thinking about having to deal with this disease everyday for the rest of my life overwhelms me so much that it has started to affect my daily life. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I didn't take the proper steps to grieve my former self when I was first diagnosed, or if I've just had enough of where I currently am. Either way, I'm sick of it and it depresses me.
In dealing with the diabetes burnout, I've also developed a scary habit called Diabulimia. It's kind of what it sounds like. It's an eating disorder found in Type 1 diabetics where insulin is intentionally manipulated or not used at all in order to lose weight. When you're first diagnosed, one of the symptoms is weight loss because your cells need insulin to use the sugar in your blood as energy. When insulin isn't available, your body will burn fat and muscle cells for energy and your body can't process the food you eat, so the calories are lost through urine. This breakdown of the body leaves behind ketones which are toxic at high levels. Too many ketones for too long can lead to Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) which can put you into a coma or kill you at any moment.
I've always known that high blood sugars can lead to weight loss, and here and there I would maybe not take enough insulin to cover "bad" things I was eating so maybe I wouldn't gain the weight from it, but for the past 4 months, it's progressively gotten worse.
At first it seemed perfect. I could take the much needed break from the beets that I wanted, eat whatever I wanted and not take the proper amount of insulin for it and lose weight. I thought to myself that I would just do it for a little bit until I lost a few pounds and for sure was going to fit into my wedding dress. I knew full well of the complications that could arise, but I thought if I only did it for a little bit, I would be fine.
Then the compliments started coming in. That was nice, I thought, so maybe just for a little bit longer. High blood sugars are not friendly to your brain. Your brain can't function properly with a blood sugar higher than 270. I was starting to run mine 300, 400, 500 and even higher. I was spiraling out of control. The longer I was above the threshold, the worse I felt about myself, but I couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't worth it. It was constant bad thoughts all day long. My memory was turning to mush, I couldn't think straight whatsoever and the depression deepend.
I had to stop, I told myself. So I would go back to the beets routine, but I just couldn't do it. My body was so dehydrated that when I was getting the proper amount of insulin, it would hold on to every ounce of water it could now use, thus making me gain 6 pounds in 2 days. How do you think that feels for someone with an eating disorder? Not good... so back to the carbs without insulin and the weight would come right back off the next day.
Not only does your brain feel like crap with high blood sugars, but so does your body. Everything hurts, it's hard to breathe, your muscles cramp with every stretch, toe point, or going to stand up. And you have to pee every 5 seconds it feels like. You're so tired that you can hardly get yourself up for the day, let alone function in society. It's the worst feeling ever, but I loved it. I knew that if I felt that way, I was losing weight, and that was all I wanted. It's disgusting and twisted, but that's what diabulimia does.
Not only was my relationship with myself terrible, but I was starting to strain my relationships with the people that mean the most to me. I had come clean to my mom, sister and a little bit to Brandon. But, I still couldn't stop and I knew I needed help. They have all pleaded with me to stop, but it was falling on deaf ears. I would lie about my blood sugar numbers and insulin dosage and the food I was eating. I was hiding food and eating as much as I could when I was alone. I knew that I was the only one that could stop the madness, but I didn't know if I wanted to. The constant super high blood sugars made me so depressed and I didn't know if I was worth stopping. I was slowly killing myself, but I didn't really care. But I knew that there were people that cared about me, so I started opening up to a few more people, hoping that someone, somewhere might be able to tell me something I didn't already know, hoping that something they might say would help me snap out of this. Nothing was working and I began to regret telling the people I told because now they wouldn't leave me alone about it.
I've come to realize that I am the only one who can stop it and I have to do it myself. Yes, I have the support of the people that care about me, but they can't do it for me, as much as they want to. I've also come to realize that getting better is not going to happen overnight. It's a road to recovery, not a hop, skip and a jump to recovery. It's been almost a couple weeks where I have decided that I need to do this for me, my family and friends and most importantly Brandon. It's been bumpy so far and I've had a couple slip ups, but for the most part, I've been back on track with my blood sugar. It's scary and overwhelming and I'm using every ounce in my body to fight my urge of wanting to eat everything in sight and not take insulin, but I'm doing it. I'm doing it one minute at a time.
And that's putting it mildly. Everything about it sucks. The carb counting and watching what you eat sucks. The potential for complications sucks. Having to be connected to a machine 24/7 or take shots multiple times a day sucks. And those are just some of the physical things. There's an entire different side to diabetes that most people don't see: the emotional side, and I think that's what sucks the most.
For non beets people, the emotional side of diabetes is hard to understand. What we have to deal with on a daily basis can be tolling. This disease is 24/7/365. There are no breaks, none without consequences anyway, and you are constantly having to think about the beets and blood sugar. This can lead to diabetes burnout, and that's where I'm at.
I don't want to do it anymore. Thinking about having to deal with this disease everyday for the rest of my life overwhelms me so much that it has started to affect my daily life. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I didn't take the proper steps to grieve my former self when I was first diagnosed, or if I've just had enough of where I currently am. Either way, I'm sick of it and it depresses me.
In dealing with the diabetes burnout, I've also developed a scary habit called Diabulimia. It's kind of what it sounds like. It's an eating disorder found in Type 1 diabetics where insulin is intentionally manipulated or not used at all in order to lose weight. When you're first diagnosed, one of the symptoms is weight loss because your cells need insulin to use the sugar in your blood as energy. When insulin isn't available, your body will burn fat and muscle cells for energy and your body can't process the food you eat, so the calories are lost through urine. This breakdown of the body leaves behind ketones which are toxic at high levels. Too many ketones for too long can lead to Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) which can put you into a coma or kill you at any moment.
I've always known that high blood sugars can lead to weight loss, and here and there I would maybe not take enough insulin to cover "bad" things I was eating so maybe I wouldn't gain the weight from it, but for the past 4 months, it's progressively gotten worse.
At first it seemed perfect. I could take the much needed break from the beets that I wanted, eat whatever I wanted and not take the proper amount of insulin for it and lose weight. I thought to myself that I would just do it for a little bit until I lost a few pounds and for sure was going to fit into my wedding dress. I knew full well of the complications that could arise, but I thought if I only did it for a little bit, I would be fine.
Then the compliments started coming in. That was nice, I thought, so maybe just for a little bit longer. High blood sugars are not friendly to your brain. Your brain can't function properly with a blood sugar higher than 270. I was starting to run mine 300, 400, 500 and even higher. I was spiraling out of control. The longer I was above the threshold, the worse I felt about myself, but I couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't worth it. It was constant bad thoughts all day long. My memory was turning to mush, I couldn't think straight whatsoever and the depression deepend.
I had to stop, I told myself. So I would go back to the beets routine, but I just couldn't do it. My body was so dehydrated that when I was getting the proper amount of insulin, it would hold on to every ounce of water it could now use, thus making me gain 6 pounds in 2 days. How do you think that feels for someone with an eating disorder? Not good... so back to the carbs without insulin and the weight would come right back off the next day.
Not only does your brain feel like crap with high blood sugars, but so does your body. Everything hurts, it's hard to breathe, your muscles cramp with every stretch, toe point, or going to stand up. And you have to pee every 5 seconds it feels like. You're so tired that you can hardly get yourself up for the day, let alone function in society. It's the worst feeling ever, but I loved it. I knew that if I felt that way, I was losing weight, and that was all I wanted. It's disgusting and twisted, but that's what diabulimia does.
Not only was my relationship with myself terrible, but I was starting to strain my relationships with the people that mean the most to me. I had come clean to my mom, sister and a little bit to Brandon. But, I still couldn't stop and I knew I needed help. They have all pleaded with me to stop, but it was falling on deaf ears. I would lie about my blood sugar numbers and insulin dosage and the food I was eating. I was hiding food and eating as much as I could when I was alone. I knew that I was the only one that could stop the madness, but I didn't know if I wanted to. The constant super high blood sugars made me so depressed and I didn't know if I was worth stopping. I was slowly killing myself, but I didn't really care. But I knew that there were people that cared about me, so I started opening up to a few more people, hoping that someone, somewhere might be able to tell me something I didn't already know, hoping that something they might say would help me snap out of this. Nothing was working and I began to regret telling the people I told because now they wouldn't leave me alone about it.
I've come to realize that I am the only one who can stop it and I have to do it myself. Yes, I have the support of the people that care about me, but they can't do it for me, as much as they want to. I've also come to realize that getting better is not going to happen overnight. It's a road to recovery, not a hop, skip and a jump to recovery. It's been almost a couple weeks where I have decided that I need to do this for me, my family and friends and most importantly Brandon. It's been bumpy so far and I've had a couple slip ups, but for the most part, I've been back on track with my blood sugar. It's scary and overwhelming and I'm using every ounce in my body to fight my urge of wanting to eat everything in sight and not take insulin, but I'm doing it. I'm doing it one minute at a time.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Facts
If you go to any Diabetes website, you'll find facts and general information about Type 1, Type 2, Gestational and occasionally Type 1.5 Diabetes. They'll tell you about the symptoms of each, list the potential complications, and give you tips on how to manage the disease. They will tell you what's happened to your pancreas and explain what's not working in your body, and they'll explain the kinds of medications for each type. But what these general information websites don't tell you is how complicated this disease actually is. They don't tell you the misconceptions people without the disease may have and that you may be treated differently. And they don't tell you what it's like to deal with Diabetes on a daily basis.
Throughout my almost 6.5 years of being a Type 1 diabetic, I've encountered many situations where people just don't have the knowledge that they should. So to help our Beets supporters understand a little bit better, here is a list of facts they should know, but probably don't.
Disclaimer: This list is based on my experiences as a Type 1 diabetic. These statements may or may not be true for Type 1.5, Type 2, or Gestational Diabetes.
- It's really not the sugar content that we have to pay attention to in food, it's the carbohydrates. This is because all carbohydrates turn to sugar in the body to be used as energy. So, if we ask for the carb content in something, don't look at us with judgement and say, "Don't worry about the carbs! You don't need a low carb diet!" Because, yes, we do need to worry about the carbs so what we eat can be converted to energy.
- Yes, I can eat that piece of cake, or cookie, or candy bar, or whatever sweet treat you want to give me. Just because it is sweet, doesn't mean I can't have it. I just have to make sure I take the proper amount of insulin for the carb content.
- Not all carbohydrates are created equally. There are simple carb foods (cakes, white rice, white bread, candy, sugar) and complex carb foods (vegetables, fruits, whole grains). These two carbohydrates have a very different effect on blood sugar. Simple carbs will raise blood sugar rapidly, and complex carbs take more time to digest, which means they will raise blood sugar more slowly.
- Not only do the different kinds of carbs affect blood sugar, what is being eaten with it will affect it, too. Meals that are high in fat take longer to digest, causing blood sugar to spike later.
- Sometimes our blood sugar will be too high or too low without any given reason. So, if this happens, please remember that sometimes it's not our fault. Diabetes is super complicated.
- Exercise can lower blood sugar rapidly. This is because when exercising, insulin sensitivity improves and the muscles are using all of the glucose that you have in your body. It can also raise blood sugar to a dangerous level if it's too high to start with. This is caused by not having enough insulin in the body to convert glucose into the energy that the muscles need. Even though there is plenty of glucose in the blood, the insulin isn't there and the muscles will send out a signal to the brain that they need more energy causing more glucose to be released. This means that going on a spontaneous hike probably isn't the best idea. Having our glucose in the target range of 100 - 250 mg/dl before exercising is key to doing physical activity safely.
- There is a major difference between Type 1 and Type 2, so please don't generalize when speaking about it. (This statement is mostly for the people who write the news articles about Diabetes because they hardly mention the type they are talking about, and if/when they do, it's not until the middle or the end, and most of the time it gets my hopes up for nothing.)
Guest Post - Brandon
Hey Everyone, I'm Brandon!
I am originally from a small town in north central Wisconsin. I am very close with my family and take every chance I can to go back home to visit them. I love sports (Go Packers, Brewers and Badgers!) so going to sporting events is always on my list of things to do. Spending my down time outdoors; hiking, camping, and being out on the water are all favorites of mine to relax. I work in retail management and I try to stay as active as I can, but with a busy schedule like most of you, I know it can be easier said than done. Erin and I go for walks as much as possible, which is a nice way for us to have 'our time' to catch up on the day or to talk about plans we may have coming up. We do a great job of making each other laugh and hope that this site will help, in some way, keep all of you smiling as well. :)
I do not have Diabetes, but fully support Erin in every way that I can. Diabetes isn't always fun and laughs, and there will be tough times ahead, but for those of you that do not have Diabetes, sometimes your support and understanding can be a huge help/relief for those that you love that live with it. Keep it up!
What I'm All About
Hi, I'm Erin, and I've been a type 1 diabetic since October 2006. I wanted to start this website to not only help raise awareness of diabetes, but as an outlet to express stories about my life living with this disease, and to provide relief to other diabetics and their support systems to show that you are not alone in the crazy "Beets" world.
I'm a graphic designer, by heart, living in the midwest with my amazing and supportive fiance, Brandon. (Only 45 more days until we're married!!) I spent the first nine years of my life in Iowa, which makes me a huge Hawkeye fan, and the rest of my adolescence in a small town in southwest Wisconsin. I love to stay busy, but when I give myself time to relax, you'll find me outside; camping, looking at the stars, spending time on and in the water, and exploring new places. I love to cook, although I cannot bake to save my life (I try!), and Brandon and I love to try new foods, so I'm always on the look out for new, healthy recipes for us to enjoy. I'm very close with my entire family and try to spend as much time with them as I can, and now that my sister and I are in the same city, it's a lot easier to catch up with her. I'm always up for a challenge, always looking for ways to be silly and make people (and myself) laugh and I'll try anything (almost) at least once. I'm a great listener, a good advice giver, and I'm always there when someone needs me.
I know how hard it is battling your everyday life while adding the Beets on top of it. I hope that you can find the love, support, and more than occasional laugh that you need to keep your head up and to give you the courage to get through every day positively. My support system means the world to me and I hope I can give you the support and comfort that you're looking for!
I'm a graphic designer, by heart, living in the midwest with my amazing and supportive fiance, Brandon. (Only 45 more days until we're married!!) I spent the first nine years of my life in Iowa, which makes me a huge Hawkeye fan, and the rest of my adolescence in a small town in southwest Wisconsin. I love to stay busy, but when I give myself time to relax, you'll find me outside; camping, looking at the stars, spending time on and in the water, and exploring new places. I love to cook, although I cannot bake to save my life (I try!), and Brandon and I love to try new foods, so I'm always on the look out for new, healthy recipes for us to enjoy. I'm very close with my entire family and try to spend as much time with them as I can, and now that my sister and I are in the same city, it's a lot easier to catch up with her. I'm always up for a challenge, always looking for ways to be silly and make people (and myself) laugh and I'll try anything (almost) at least once. I'm a great listener, a good advice giver, and I'm always there when someone needs me.
I know how hard it is battling your everyday life while adding the Beets on top of it. I hope that you can find the love, support, and more than occasional laugh that you need to keep your head up and to give you the courage to get through every day positively. My support system means the world to me and I hope I can give you the support and comfort that you're looking for!
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