Road to Recovery

Diabetes SUCKS. 

And that's putting it mildly.  Everything about it sucks.  The carb counting and watching what you eat sucks. The potential for complications sucks. Having to be connected to a machine 24/7 or take shots multiple times a day sucks.  And those are just some of the physical things.  There's an entire different side to diabetes that most people don't see:  the emotional side, and I think that's what sucks the most.

For non beets people, the emotional side of diabetes is hard to understand.  What we have to deal with on a daily basis can be tolling.  This disease is 24/7/365.  There are no breaks, none without consequences anyway, and you are constantly having to think about the beets and blood sugar.  This can lead to diabetes burnout, and that's where I'm at.

I don't want to do it anymore. Thinking about having to deal with this disease everyday for the rest of my life overwhelms me so much that it has started to affect my daily life.  I'm not sure if I feel this way because I didn't take the proper steps to grieve my former self when I was first diagnosed, or if I've just had enough of where I currently am.  Either way, I'm sick of it and it depresses me.

In dealing with the diabetes burnout, I've also developed a scary habit called Diabulimia.  It's kind of what it sounds like.  It's an eating disorder found in Type 1 diabetics where insulin is intentionally manipulated or not used at all in order to lose weight.  When you're first diagnosed, one of the symptoms is weight loss because your cells need insulin to use the sugar in your blood as energy.  When insulin isn't available, your body will burn fat and muscle cells for energy and your body can't process the food you eat, so the calories are lost through urine.  This breakdown of the body leaves behind ketones which are toxic at high levels.  Too many ketones for too long can lead to Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) which can put you into a coma or kill you at any moment.

I've always known that high blood sugars can lead to weight loss, and here and there I would maybe not take enough insulin to cover "bad" things I was eating so maybe I wouldn't gain the weight from it, but for the past 4 months, it's progressively gotten worse. 

At first it seemed perfect.  I could take the much needed break from the beets that I wanted, eat whatever I wanted and not take the proper amount of insulin for it and lose weight.  I thought to myself that I would just do it for a little bit until I lost a few pounds and for sure was going to fit into my wedding dress.  I knew full well of the complications that could arise, but I thought if I only did it for a little bit, I would be fine.

Then the compliments started coming in.  That was nice, I thought, so maybe just for a little bit longer.  High blood sugars are not friendly to your brain.  Your brain can't function properly with a blood sugar higher than 270.  I was starting to run mine 300, 400, 500 and even higher.  I was spiraling out of control.  The longer I was above the threshold, the worse I felt about myself, but I couldn't do anything about it.  I wasn't worth it.  It was constant bad thoughts all day long.  My memory was turning to mush, I couldn't think straight whatsoever and the depression deepend. 

I had to stop, I told myself.  So I would go back to the beets routine, but I just couldn't do it.  My body was so dehydrated that when I was getting the proper amount of insulin, it would hold on to every ounce of water it could now use, thus making me gain 6 pounds in 2 days.  How do you think that feels for someone with an eating disorder?  Not good... so back to the carbs without insulin and the weight would come right back off the next day.

Not only does your brain feel like crap with high blood sugars, but so does your body.  Everything hurts, it's hard to breathe, your muscles cramp with every stretch, toe point, or going to stand up.  And you have to pee every 5 seconds it feels like.  You're so tired that you can hardly get yourself up for the day, let alone function in society.  It's the worst feeling ever, but I loved it.  I knew that if I felt that way, I was losing weight, and that was all I wanted.  It's disgusting and twisted, but that's what diabulimia does.

Not only was my relationship with myself terrible, but I was starting to strain my relationships with the people that mean the most to me.  I had come clean to my mom, sister and a little bit to Brandon.  But, I still couldn't stop and I knew I needed help.  They have all pleaded with me to stop, but it was falling on deaf ears.  I would lie about my blood sugar numbers and insulin dosage and the food I was eating.  I was hiding food and eating as much as I could when I was alone.  I knew that I was the only one that could stop the madness, but I didn't know if I wanted to.  The constant super high blood sugars made me so depressed and I didn't know if I was worth stopping.  I was slowly killing myself, but I didn't really care.  But I knew that there were people that cared about me, so I started opening up to a few more people, hoping that someone, somewhere might be able to tell me something I didn't already know, hoping that something they might say would help me snap out of this.  Nothing was working and I began to regret telling the people I told because now they wouldn't leave me alone about it. 

I've come to realize that I am the only one who can stop it and I have to do it myself. Yes, I have the support of the people that care about me, but they can't do it for me, as much as they want to.  I've also come to realize that getting better is not going to happen overnight.  It's a road to recovery, not a hop, skip and a jump to recovery.  It's been almost a couple weeks where I have decided that I need to do this for me, my family and friends and most importantly Brandon.  It's been bumpy so far and I've had a couple slip ups, but for the most part, I've been back on track with my blood sugar.  It's scary and overwhelming and I'm using every ounce in my body to fight my urge of wanting to eat everything in sight and not take insulin, but I'm doing it.  I'm doing it one minute at a time.