Perfection

I keep telling myself that after our wedding, I'm going to just eat what I want in moderation and if I gain weight from being healthy and taking insulin properly, then I gain weight.  I keep telling myself that I won't care what people think about how I look because they don't know my struggles.  They won't know that a little bit of weight gain means I'm actually healthy.  Plus, I won't be so stressed about looking my best in my wedding dress anymore.  So who cares, right?

The problem is that I care too much about what people think about me.  I do NOT want to be looked at negatively and I do everything in my power to project a perfect image.  I want to be the super nice, perfectly put together girl who leaves an impression on people.  I've been that way as long as I can remember.  I have always put such an emphasis on the clothes I wear, and the way my hair looks, and making sure my makeup is done just right.  And I don't have a mean bone in my body.  I've always been the nice girl who is a mega people pleaser and makes sure everyone else is happy before me.  So when I work so hard to put together this image, it would be my nightmare to be judged negatively, on anything.  That's my biggest fear and that's a lot of pressure.  

In reality, who honestly cares what I look like?  Does anyone really judge me for that?  I know that I don't look at other people that way.  I think other people's personalities are far more important than their looks, so why would I think that people care about that?  And even if they did, that's kind of sad, isn't it?  To go around and really judge people based on what they look like.  I've had a few people close to me tell me lately that they are struggling with their weight.  When they tell me that, I don't even notice that they would be worried about that.  I don't care what they look like, I love them for who they are.  So why is it such a big deal to me?  That's something I'm trying to figure out.



Throughout this journey, I've become very philosophical and I'm learning a lot about myself, life, and human nature.  And I think that's a good thing.  I'm sort of like my own therapist, which I also think is a good thing because with anything you're struggling with, it takes YOU to make a change.  Other people will support you, but no one can do it for you.  Also.. it's a lot cheaper to be your own therapist.. maybe with the money I save there, I can go buy myself a new outfit!