It's a Choice

Everyday, from my sophomore year in high school to my senior year, my English teacher had "It's A Choice" written on the whiteboard and all over the classroom.  She constantly reminded us that whatever decisions we made in life was a choice that we would make.  Everything from deciding what pencil to use to what our attitude was going to be that day was a choice.  I loved my English teacher and I think about that phrase almost daily.

But it's a struggle.  I wish all choices were easy, but they aren't.  I can choose to take my insulin properly, but I don't.  I can choose to eat the right foods, but on my bad days, I don't.  I make the bad choices day in and day out, but I can't seem to stop myself.  My disbulimia has a wrap around my positive decision making that constantly tells me that I need to punish myself, or lose that weight, or that I'm not good enough.  Those thoughts cloud my choice making, so I end up choosing the wrong things.

One positive choice that I made today was the choice that I was going to go get professional help.  I've realized that I can't do it on my own.  As embarrassed that I am that I'm a grown adult that can't get it together, I think it's the best decision that I've made.  After talking with my family, they all have told me that I shouldn't be embarrassed and that everyone needs help at one time or another.  I guess that's true.. but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing.

Since deciding that I need to go get help, I feel a little less stressed.  I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier, hoping that someone who specializes in eating disorders can give me encouragement and ideas that will help me. 

I know that I have to do the work and I have to want to get better and no one can do it for me, but I think that I'm ready for that.  I want to be back to normal.  I want to have fun with my friends and family.  I want to have the best summer with Brandon, doing anything and everything we can do.  I want to look forward to the future with confidence and not fear. 

I don't want to be driven crazy obsessing about this anymore.  I've broken down and I've had it.  I'm at the fork in the road where I can choose to go down the path of happiness and health or I can choose to let diabulimia be my life, and a short life it would be. 

I'm choosing happiness.