It really is one minute at a time that I'm working on overcoming this battle. I have spent most of my day today sad and mad at myself for making poor food choices and even poorer blood sugar control choices because of my poor food choices. I've been thinking about how embarrassed I am that I'm an adult but can't seem to find the strength to manage this disease. I can't believe how much of a hold the beets has on my brain to make me feel this way and torture myself.
This is typically how a bad day goes. It drives me crazy. And then after all the dialogue in my head, the back and forth of feeling sad, guilty, mad, embarrassed, etc, I have an aha moment. (Thanks, Oprah) A moment where I realize what I'm doing to myself and how important it is to get ahold of the good in my brain. Today, that moment happened when I looked at a picture of Brandon and I. We look so happy in it, and that's what matters.
I've been feeling such a disconnect lately with everything in my life, including him. I feel like anything that I have to say isn't important, so I don't say it. I've felt like these emotions have taken over my life, and it's not fair to him, or anyone, to listen to me complain about it AGAIN, so I don't. But because I've been bottled up, I'm not letting anyone in or letting myself out, and that's a problem.
So when I looked at that picture, I realized how much I love being with him and how much fun we have when we're together and how I'm looking forward to spending my life with him and taking in all that life has to offer together. And I can't do that if I'm stuck in the beets darkside. We can't go out and have fun if I'm sad and want to be alone. We can't update our house or go swim at the lake or go camping or do anything we love to do if I'm sick. I need to keep fighting the fight and look forward to our future.
I know this is going to be an uphill battle for a little while, but I need to keep on keepin' on. I'll eventually get to where I need to go.
You'll get there Erin. One of the hardest things to have in this diabetes world is patience. If I've learned one thing, its that constantly being in "correction" mode (bolusing for a high or eating or a low) is like chasing a wild turkey -- you run around in circles but never really get anywhere.
ReplyDeleteBe patient -- let the food or the insulin or whatever run its course, then make little changes, one at a time. It's a slow, frustrating process, but it's better than riding the rollercoaster.