I wasn't sure if I wanted to blog today. I've had no aha moment, I don't feel upset, I haven't thought of anything profound... I've just gone about my day and I've actually been in a pretty good mood. I didn't know what I would write about... but then it hit me... Pretty sure I'm in denial today.
I've fallen off the wagon slowly over the past few days, and I'm not proud of it, but I don't seem to care. Usually, I get upset about what I'm doing to myself. I worry about what I'm going to say if someone asks me how I'm doing. I generally feel like crap, but for some reason today, I don't.
I ate my donuts for breakfast and didn't really think twice that I was A) eating donuts and B) didn't take insulin. I've been munching on my coconut M&M's throughout the day, not really noticing, not trying to hide them as usual, and of course, not taking insulin. Went to lunch with my mom and ordered what I wanted on the menu and didn't worry about what she would think if I ordered the fried chicken sandwich instead of the grilled, like I would normally worry about. She asked if I was taking care of myself, I said I was, I changed the subject, gave myself a small amount of insulin just so she wouldn't ask, and ate my meal. Now this afternoon, I've been casually strolling the office munching on the snacks that the guys have laying around, thinking to myself, I'm fine, I'm going to eat this and I don't care! I've been thinking, eh, I'll take insulin to correct my blood sugar that I haven't checked in days and the correct amount for dinner tonight, and I'll be fine. No one has to know that I slipped up, and most importantly, no one has to know that I didn't care about it.
My jeans were loose this morning, and I think that's what gave me the encouragement that I've lost weight again and that I should keep going. In a sick way, I felt good about myself this morning, so I've had that attitude all day.
I keep thinking, ok, I'm going to start eating healthy again and exercise just like everyone else out there who wants to lose weight and be fit. I need to work at it like everyone else. But then I get lazy, so it continues. I'm embarrassed.
I'm also afraid.. am I ever going to be happy with myself inside and out?
This is one of those posts where I get really frightened at what I've just read, but honestly don't know what to say. It's an issue to which I simply can't relate and can't advise, but I can see where it might lead. And I know you can, too.
ReplyDeleteI keep focusing on that last sentence. You're afraid -- and I don't think it's about the size of your jeans. Please don't let your weight lead you to choices that make you unhappy and unhealthy.
It took a lot of courage for you to write this and to put your emotions to paper (blog). I hope it gets easier for you, I'm sure you can do this.