Scared

When am I going to get back into the phase where the routine of Diabetes doesn't bother me?

It never really used to bother me.  I would eat, take insulin and that would be that.  I would correct as necessary and go on with my life.  I wasn't extremely strict with my blood sugar control.  My diet was eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation.  It worked for me.  I've had my share of highs and lows, but I wasn't going to not eat something because I have diabetes.  I would eat it and deal with whatever came.  Yes, there were times I was frustrated, but I would get frustrated for a minute and move on.  I wasn't really worried about losing weight, I didn't need to.  I wasn't gaining weight, I was just settled and happy.

But over the past year or so, I've been so overwhelmed with the routine of Diabetes.  The thought of having to have perfect blood sugars for the rest of my life freaks me out.  So instead of doing what I need to be doing, I'm doing the opposite, which freaks me out, too.  I'm not sure I quite know how to balance everything.  I'm learning that I am an extremeist.  It's either all or none.  So I get myself worked up over what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating, how many calories are in this, but I really want it, but it's not good for you, maybe I'll just eat low carb forever, but I love chips, candy and ice cream, maybe I'll do the medeterranian diet, but should I be eating that many carbs, but if they're healthy carbs then it should be okay, but if it's a lot of healthy carbs that's not good, ok low carb it is, but what about those treats, I shouldn't eat those treats anyway... and it goes on and on and on... all. day.  Every day.  So after this exhausting banter with myself, I just say screw it and eat whatever I want and pretend like diabetes doesn't exist.

So then I think, why not just go back to before.  Eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation.  But the problem is when I think back over the course of my diabetes, I've never really had THAT great of control.  The only time my A1C was under 7% was when I had a job that was physical and my blood sugar went low all the time.  That A1C isn't perfect, it's pretty good, but not great.  I always thought I was very healthy.  All of my labs were good, I was doing it right... but now I think 6.5 years with okay blood sugars... maybe I'm not as healthy on the inside as I think.

It all scares me.  Being able to manage my blood sugars for the rest of my life scares me.  Going on a strict diet scares me.  Eating in moderation scares me.  The thought of looming complications scares me.  Any aches or pains I now get scares me.  

And obviously having an eating disorder doesn't help one bit.  And that scares me too.  Can I just say that diabetes completely ruins your relationship with food, and when you already have the food issues... good luck, Chuck.