I haven't posted in a little while, and I think it's because I didn't really want to focus my energy on writing out my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to spend my time focusing on getting better and making better choices. But, I don't think the focus was completely there. Honestly, I think I just didn't have anything good to say..
I started therapy last week. Sitting in the waiting room, I felt like a complete idiot. I couldn't believe that I had to be sitting there, waiting for someone else to talk to me about a problem I can't fix on my own. Thoughts of how much of a waste of time and money this was going to be were running through my head. Then as people started filling the waiting room, I thought about how even more embarrassing it would be if someone I know walked in. I didn't know what to expect from the therapist or how she would be able to help me.
When she called me back, I was surprised to find out how friendly she was. I liked that. But I was also a little surprised that I had to educate her on diabetes. I wasn't so much a fan of that. She told me that in her thirty years of experience, she's only had one other person with the same issues as me, "and that was a loooong time ago." I was frustrated that most of the time was spent with me answering her questions on diabetes, high blood sugar, the effects on the body, etc. But I guess it's better that she ask and learn than just decide I can be treated like the rest.
After my appointment I decided that I didn't really have the desire to binge, or force my sugars through the roof. I was proud that I felt those feelings. I spent most of the weekend with moderate control, didn't weigh myself at all, ate what I wanted and I felt like maybe things were getting back to normal. Saturday night wasn't the best.. I was home alone all night and fell back into my bad habits.. which was strange because as I was at the store picking out what I was going to binge on, I didn't really want any of it. And when I got home, I couldn't eat all of it without bolusing.. I felt guilty. So, by Sunday, I was back on the horse. I was hoping that was a sign of a change; and I think maybe it is.
Although last night and today, I'm back off, making bad decisions. After a day of high blood sugar, and a monsterous headache, I finally said to myself, "What am I doing? This is nuts. I'm not going to get any better if this is what I'm doing." I faced the meter, checked my blood sugar and gave myself the correction I needed.
So I guess after this rambling post, I've decided that maybe the therapy will work. Or maybe I've just decided myself that enough is enough. Either way, I think I'll continue down this path, take it day by day, spend some much needed time finishing up the final plans for our wedding... that's 25 days away (YIKES!)... and truly enjoy life.
Congrats, Erin, for taking that step and hitting up therapy. Not an easy thing to do - and I remember doing that last year myself for the first time, and how I felt in the waiting room (same thoughts). As it turned out, my endo recommended someone who knew a bit about diabetes - she's a Type 2, but still knows the basics. I found that helpful. Also, she knows some of the DOC people and that was interesting. But you're right - it takes time. No quick easy silver bullet, and I found myself falling into the same old routines. It's a one-day-at-a-time type of thing, and slowly we find ourselves getting "better"... Best your way. And thanks for sharing this, and letting us share in this journey as you begin.
ReplyDelete