When am I going to get back into the phase where the routine of Diabetes doesn't bother me?
It never really used to bother me. I would eat, take insulin and that would be that. I would correct as necessary and go on with my life. I wasn't extremely strict with my blood sugar control. My diet was eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation. It worked for me. I've had my share of highs and lows, but I wasn't going to not eat something because I have diabetes. I would eat it and deal with whatever came. Yes, there were times I was frustrated, but I would get frustrated for a minute and move on. I wasn't really worried about losing weight, I didn't need to. I wasn't gaining weight, I was just settled and happy.
But over the past year or so, I've been so overwhelmed with the routine of Diabetes. The thought of having to have perfect blood sugars for the rest of my life freaks me out. So instead of doing what I need to be doing, I'm doing the opposite, which freaks me out, too. I'm not sure I quite know how to balance everything. I'm learning that I am an extremeist. It's either all or none. So I get myself worked up over what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating, how many calories are in this, but I really want it, but it's not good for you, maybe I'll just eat low carb forever, but I love chips, candy and ice cream, maybe I'll do the medeterranian diet, but should I be eating that many carbs, but if they're healthy carbs then it should be okay, but if it's a lot of healthy carbs that's not good, ok low carb it is, but what about those treats, I shouldn't eat those treats anyway... and it goes on and on and on... all. day. Every day. So after this exhausting banter with myself, I just say screw it and eat whatever I want and pretend like diabetes doesn't exist.
So then I think, why not just go back to before. Eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation. But the problem is when I think back over the course of my diabetes, I've never really had THAT great of control. The only time my A1C was under 7% was when I had a job that was physical and my blood sugar went low all the time. That A1C isn't perfect, it's pretty good, but not great. I always thought I was very healthy. All of my labs were good, I was doing it right... but now I think 6.5 years with okay blood sugars... maybe I'm not as healthy on the inside as I think.
It all scares me. Being able to manage my blood sugars for the rest of my life scares me. Going on a strict diet scares me. Eating in moderation scares me. The thought of looming complications scares me. Any aches or pains I now get scares me.
And obviously having an eating disorder doesn't help one bit. And that scares me too. Can I just say that diabetes completely ruins your relationship with food, and when you already have the food issues... good luck, Chuck.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
And So It Begins
I haven't posted in a little while, and I think it's because I didn't really want to focus my energy on writing out my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to spend my time focusing on getting better and making better choices. But, I don't think the focus was completely there. Honestly, I think I just didn't have anything good to say..
I started therapy last week. Sitting in the waiting room, I felt like a complete idiot. I couldn't believe that I had to be sitting there, waiting for someone else to talk to me about a problem I can't fix on my own. Thoughts of how much of a waste of time and money this was going to be were running through my head. Then as people started filling the waiting room, I thought about how even more embarrassing it would be if someone I know walked in. I didn't know what to expect from the therapist or how she would be able to help me.
When she called me back, I was surprised to find out how friendly she was. I liked that. But I was also a little surprised that I had to educate her on diabetes. I wasn't so much a fan of that. She told me that in her thirty years of experience, she's only had one other person with the same issues as me, "and that was a loooong time ago." I was frustrated that most of the time was spent with me answering her questions on diabetes, high blood sugar, the effects on the body, etc. But I guess it's better that she ask and learn than just decide I can be treated like the rest.
After my appointment I decided that I didn't really have the desire to binge, or force my sugars through the roof. I was proud that I felt those feelings. I spent most of the weekend with moderate control, didn't weigh myself at all, ate what I wanted and I felt like maybe things were getting back to normal. Saturday night wasn't the best.. I was home alone all night and fell back into my bad habits.. which was strange because as I was at the store picking out what I was going to binge on, I didn't really want any of it. And when I got home, I couldn't eat all of it without bolusing.. I felt guilty. So, by Sunday, I was back on the horse. I was hoping that was a sign of a change; and I think maybe it is.
Although last night and today, I'm back off, making bad decisions. After a day of high blood sugar, and a monsterous headache, I finally said to myself, "What am I doing? This is nuts. I'm not going to get any better if this is what I'm doing." I faced the meter, checked my blood sugar and gave myself the correction I needed.
So I guess after this rambling post, I've decided that maybe the therapy will work. Or maybe I've just decided myself that enough is enough. Either way, I think I'll continue down this path, take it day by day, spend some much needed time finishing up the final plans for our wedding... that's 25 days away (YIKES!)... and truly enjoy life.
I started therapy last week. Sitting in the waiting room, I felt like a complete idiot. I couldn't believe that I had to be sitting there, waiting for someone else to talk to me about a problem I can't fix on my own. Thoughts of how much of a waste of time and money this was going to be were running through my head. Then as people started filling the waiting room, I thought about how even more embarrassing it would be if someone I know walked in. I didn't know what to expect from the therapist or how she would be able to help me.
When she called me back, I was surprised to find out how friendly she was. I liked that. But I was also a little surprised that I had to educate her on diabetes. I wasn't so much a fan of that. She told me that in her thirty years of experience, she's only had one other person with the same issues as me, "and that was a loooong time ago." I was frustrated that most of the time was spent with me answering her questions on diabetes, high blood sugar, the effects on the body, etc. But I guess it's better that she ask and learn than just decide I can be treated like the rest.
After my appointment I decided that I didn't really have the desire to binge, or force my sugars through the roof. I was proud that I felt those feelings. I spent most of the weekend with moderate control, didn't weigh myself at all, ate what I wanted and I felt like maybe things were getting back to normal. Saturday night wasn't the best.. I was home alone all night and fell back into my bad habits.. which was strange because as I was at the store picking out what I was going to binge on, I didn't really want any of it. And when I got home, I couldn't eat all of it without bolusing.. I felt guilty. So, by Sunday, I was back on the horse. I was hoping that was a sign of a change; and I think maybe it is.
Although last night and today, I'm back off, making bad decisions. After a day of high blood sugar, and a monsterous headache, I finally said to myself, "What am I doing? This is nuts. I'm not going to get any better if this is what I'm doing." I faced the meter, checked my blood sugar and gave myself the correction I needed.
So I guess after this rambling post, I've decided that maybe the therapy will work. Or maybe I've just decided myself that enough is enough. Either way, I think I'll continue down this path, take it day by day, spend some much needed time finishing up the final plans for our wedding... that's 25 days away (YIKES!)... and truly enjoy life.
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