Road to Recovery

Diabetes SUCKS. 

And that's putting it mildly.  Everything about it sucks.  The carb counting and watching what you eat sucks. The potential for complications sucks. Having to be connected to a machine 24/7 or take shots multiple times a day sucks.  And those are just some of the physical things.  There's an entire different side to diabetes that most people don't see:  the emotional side, and I think that's what sucks the most.

For non beets people, the emotional side of diabetes is hard to understand.  What we have to deal with on a daily basis can be tolling.  This disease is 24/7/365.  There are no breaks, none without consequences anyway, and you are constantly having to think about the beets and blood sugar.  This can lead to diabetes burnout, and that's where I'm at.

I don't want to do it anymore. Thinking about having to deal with this disease everyday for the rest of my life overwhelms me so much that it has started to affect my daily life.  I'm not sure if I feel this way because I didn't take the proper steps to grieve my former self when I was first diagnosed, or if I've just had enough of where I currently am.  Either way, I'm sick of it and it depresses me.

In dealing with the diabetes burnout, I've also developed a scary habit called Diabulimia.  It's kind of what it sounds like.  It's an eating disorder found in Type 1 diabetics where insulin is intentionally manipulated or not used at all in order to lose weight.  When you're first diagnosed, one of the symptoms is weight loss because your cells need insulin to use the sugar in your blood as energy.  When insulin isn't available, your body will burn fat and muscle cells for energy and your body can't process the food you eat, so the calories are lost through urine.  This breakdown of the body leaves behind ketones which are toxic at high levels.  Too many ketones for too long can lead to Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) which can put you into a coma or kill you at any moment.

I've always known that high blood sugars can lead to weight loss, and here and there I would maybe not take enough insulin to cover "bad" things I was eating so maybe I wouldn't gain the weight from it, but for the past 4 months, it's progressively gotten worse. 

At first it seemed perfect.  I could take the much needed break from the beets that I wanted, eat whatever I wanted and not take the proper amount of insulin for it and lose weight.  I thought to myself that I would just do it for a little bit until I lost a few pounds and for sure was going to fit into my wedding dress.  I knew full well of the complications that could arise, but I thought if I only did it for a little bit, I would be fine.

Then the compliments started coming in.  That was nice, I thought, so maybe just for a little bit longer.  High blood sugars are not friendly to your brain.  Your brain can't function properly with a blood sugar higher than 270.  I was starting to run mine 300, 400, 500 and even higher.  I was spiraling out of control.  The longer I was above the threshold, the worse I felt about myself, but I couldn't do anything about it.  I wasn't worth it.  It was constant bad thoughts all day long.  My memory was turning to mush, I couldn't think straight whatsoever and the depression deepend. 

I had to stop, I told myself.  So I would go back to the beets routine, but I just couldn't do it.  My body was so dehydrated that when I was getting the proper amount of insulin, it would hold on to every ounce of water it could now use, thus making me gain 6 pounds in 2 days.  How do you think that feels for someone with an eating disorder?  Not good... so back to the carbs without insulin and the weight would come right back off the next day.

Not only does your brain feel like crap with high blood sugars, but so does your body.  Everything hurts, it's hard to breathe, your muscles cramp with every stretch, toe point, or going to stand up.  And you have to pee every 5 seconds it feels like.  You're so tired that you can hardly get yourself up for the day, let alone function in society.  It's the worst feeling ever, but I loved it.  I knew that if I felt that way, I was losing weight, and that was all I wanted.  It's disgusting and twisted, but that's what diabulimia does.

Not only was my relationship with myself terrible, but I was starting to strain my relationships with the people that mean the most to me.  I had come clean to my mom, sister and a little bit to Brandon.  But, I still couldn't stop and I knew I needed help.  They have all pleaded with me to stop, but it was falling on deaf ears.  I would lie about my blood sugar numbers and insulin dosage and the food I was eating.  I was hiding food and eating as much as I could when I was alone.  I knew that I was the only one that could stop the madness, but I didn't know if I wanted to.  The constant super high blood sugars made me so depressed and I didn't know if I was worth stopping.  I was slowly killing myself, but I didn't really care.  But I knew that there were people that cared about me, so I started opening up to a few more people, hoping that someone, somewhere might be able to tell me something I didn't already know, hoping that something they might say would help me snap out of this.  Nothing was working and I began to regret telling the people I told because now they wouldn't leave me alone about it. 

I've come to realize that I am the only one who can stop it and I have to do it myself. Yes, I have the support of the people that care about me, but they can't do it for me, as much as they want to.  I've also come to realize that getting better is not going to happen overnight.  It's a road to recovery, not a hop, skip and a jump to recovery.  It's been almost a couple weeks where I have decided that I need to do this for me, my family and friends and most importantly Brandon.  It's been bumpy so far and I've had a couple slip ups, but for the most part, I've been back on track with my blood sugar.  It's scary and overwhelming and I'm using every ounce in my body to fight my urge of wanting to eat everything in sight and not take insulin, but I'm doing it.  I'm doing it one minute at a time.

Facts

If you go to any Diabetes website, you'll find facts and general information about Type 1, Type 2, Gestational and occasionally Type 1.5 Diabetes. They'll tell you about the symptoms of each, list the potential complications, and give you tips on how to manage the disease. They will tell you what's happened to your pancreas and explain what's not working in your body, and they'll explain the kinds of medications for each type. But what these general information websites don't tell you is how complicated this disease actually is. They don't tell you the misconceptions people without the disease may have and that you may be treated differently. And they don't tell you what it's like to deal with Diabetes on a daily basis.

Throughout my almost 6.5 years of being a Type 1 diabetic, I've encountered many situations where people just don't have the knowledge that they should. So to help our Beets supporters understand a little bit better, here is a list of facts they should know, but probably don't.
 

Disclaimer: This list is based on my experiences as a Type 1 diabetic. These statements may or may not be true for Type 1.5, Type 2, or Gestational Diabetes.

 

1. It's really not the sugar content that we have to pay attention to in food, it's the carbohydrates. This is because all carbohydrates turn to sugar in the body to be used as energy. So, if we ask for the carb content in something, don't look at us with judgement and say, "Don't worry about the carbs! You don't need a low carb diet!" Because, yes, we do need to worry about the carbs so what we eat can be converted to energy.
2. Yes, I can eat that piece of cake, or cookie, or candy bar, or whatever sweet treat you want to give me. Just because it is sweet, doesn't mean I can't have it. I just have to make sure I take the proper amount of insulin for the carb content.
3. Not all carbohydrates are created equally. There are simple carb foods (cakes, white rice, white bread, candy, sugar) and complex carb foods (vegetables, fruits, whole grains). These two carbohydrates have a very different effect on blood sugar. Simple carbs will raise blood sugar rapidly, and complex carbs take more time to digest, which means they will raise blood sugar more slowly.
4. Not only do the different kinds of carbs affect blood sugar, what is being eaten with it will affect it, too. Meals that are high in fat take longer to digest, causing blood sugar to spike later.
5. Sometimes our blood sugar will be too high or too low without any given reason. So, if this happens, please remember that sometimes it's not our fault. Diabetes is super complicated.
6. Exercise can lower blood sugar rapidly. This is because when exercising, insulin sensitivity improves and the muscles are using all of the glucose that you have in your body. It can also raise blood sugar to a dangerous level if it's too high to start with. This is caused by not having enough insulin in the body to convert glucose into the energy that the muscles need. Even though there is plenty of glucose in the blood, the insulin isn't there and the muscles will send out a signal to the brain that they need more energy causing more glucose to be released. This means that going on a spontaneous hike probably isn't the best idea. Having our glucose in the target range of 100 - 250 mg/dl before exercising is key to doing physical activity safely.
7. There is a major difference between Type 1 and Type 2, so please don't generalize when speaking about it. (This statement is mostly for the people who write the news articles about Diabetes because they hardly mention the type they are talking about, and if/when they do, it's not until the middle or the end, and most of the time it gets my hopes up for nothing.)

Guest Post - Brandon

Hey Everyone, I'm Brandon!

I am originally from a small town in north central Wisconsin. I am very close with my family and take every chance I can to go back home to visit them. I love sports (Go Packers, Brewers and Badgers!) so going to sporting events is always on my list of things to do. Spending my down time outdoors; hiking, camping, and being out on the water are all favorites of mine to relax. I work in retail management and I try to stay as active as I can, but with a busy schedule like most of you, I know it can be easier said than done. Erin and I go for walks as much as possible, which is a nice way for us to have 'our time' to catch up on the day or to talk about plans we may have coming up. We do a great job of making each other laugh and hope that this site will help, in some way, keep all of you smiling as well. :)

I do not have Diabetes, but fully support Erin in every way that I can. Diabetes isn't always fun and laughs, and there will be tough times ahead, but for those of you that do not have Diabetes, sometimes your support and understanding can be a huge help/relief for those that you love that live with it. Keep it up!

 

 

What I'm All About

Hi, I'm Erin, and I've been a type 1 diabetic since October 2006. I wanted to start this website to not only help raise awareness of diabetes, but as an outlet to express stories about my life living with this disease, and to provide relief to other diabetics and their support systems to show that you are not alone in the crazy "Beets" world.
 

I'm a graphic designer, by heart, living in the midwest with my amazing and supportive fiance, Brandon. (Only 45 more days until we're married!!)  I spent the first nine years of my life in Iowa, which makes me a huge Hawkeye fan, and the rest of my adolescence in a small town in southwest Wisconsin. I love to stay busy, but when I give myself time to relax, you'll find me outside; camping, looking at the stars, spending time on and in the water, and exploring new places. I love to cook, although I cannot bake to save my life (I try!), and Brandon and I love to try new foods, so I'm always on the look out for new, healthy recipes for us to enjoy. I'm very close with my entire family and try to spend as much time with them as I can, and now that my sister and I are in the same city, it's a lot easier to catch up with her. I'm always up for a challenge, always looking for ways to be silly and make people (and myself) laugh and I'll try anything (almost) at least once. I'm a great listener, a good advice giver, and I'm always there when someone needs me.


I know how hard it is battling your everyday life while adding the Beets on top of it. I hope that you can find the love, support, and more than occasional laugh that you need to keep your head up and to give you the courage to get through every day positively. My support system means the world to me and I hope I can give you the support and comfort that you're looking for!