Scared

When am I going to get back into the phase where the routine of Diabetes doesn't bother me?

It never really used to bother me.  I would eat, take insulin and that would be that.  I would correct as necessary and go on with my life.  I wasn't extremely strict with my blood sugar control.  My diet was eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation.  It worked for me.  I've had my share of highs and lows, but I wasn't going to not eat something because I have diabetes.  I would eat it and deal with whatever came.  Yes, there were times I was frustrated, but I would get frustrated for a minute and move on.  I wasn't really worried about losing weight, I didn't need to.  I wasn't gaining weight, I was just settled and happy.

But over the past year or so, I've been so overwhelmed with the routine of Diabetes.  The thought of having to have perfect blood sugars for the rest of my life freaks me out.  So instead of doing what I need to be doing, I'm doing the opposite, which freaks me out, too.  I'm not sure I quite know how to balance everything.  I'm learning that I am an extremeist.  It's either all or none.  So I get myself worked up over what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating, how many calories are in this, but I really want it, but it's not good for you, maybe I'll just eat low carb forever, but I love chips, candy and ice cream, maybe I'll do the medeterranian diet, but should I be eating that many carbs, but if they're healthy carbs then it should be okay, but if it's a lot of healthy carbs that's not good, ok low carb it is, but what about those treats, I shouldn't eat those treats anyway... and it goes on and on and on... all. day.  Every day.  So after this exhausting banter with myself, I just say screw it and eat whatever I want and pretend like diabetes doesn't exist.

So then I think, why not just go back to before.  Eat healthy for the most part and everything in moderation.  But the problem is when I think back over the course of my diabetes, I've never really had THAT great of control.  The only time my A1C was under 7% was when I had a job that was physical and my blood sugar went low all the time.  That A1C isn't perfect, it's pretty good, but not great.  I always thought I was very healthy.  All of my labs were good, I was doing it right... but now I think 6.5 years with okay blood sugars... maybe I'm not as healthy on the inside as I think.

It all scares me.  Being able to manage my blood sugars for the rest of my life scares me.  Going on a strict diet scares me.  Eating in moderation scares me.  The thought of looming complications scares me.  Any aches or pains I now get scares me.  

And obviously having an eating disorder doesn't help one bit.  And that scares me too.  Can I just say that diabetes completely ruins your relationship with food, and when you already have the food issues... good luck, Chuck. 

And So It Begins

I haven't posted in a little while, and I think it's because I didn't really want to focus my energy on writing out my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to spend my time focusing on getting better and making better choices.  But, I don't think the focus was completely there.  Honestly, I think I just didn't have anything good to say..

I started therapy last week.  Sitting in the waiting room, I felt like a complete idiot.  I couldn't believe that I had to be sitting there, waiting for someone else to talk to me about a problem I can't fix on my own.  Thoughts of how much of a waste of time and money this was going to be were running through my head.  Then as people started filling the waiting room, I thought about how even more embarrassing it would be if someone I know walked in.  I didn't know what to expect from the therapist or how she would be able to help me.

When she called me back, I was surprised to find out how friendly she was.  I liked that.  But I was also a little surprised that I had to educate her on diabetes.  I wasn't so much a fan of that.  She told me that in her thirty years of experience, she's only had one other person with the same issues as me, "and that was a loooong time ago."  I was frustrated that most of the time was spent with me answering her questions on diabetes, high blood sugar, the effects on the body, etc.  But I guess it's better that she ask and learn than just decide I can be treated like the rest.

After my appointment I decided that I didn't really have the desire to binge, or force my sugars through the roof.  I was proud that I felt those feelings.  I spent most of the weekend with moderate control, didn't weigh myself at all, ate what I wanted and I felt like maybe things were getting back to normal.  Saturday night wasn't the best.. I was home alone all night and fell back into my bad habits.. which was strange because as I was at the store picking out what I was going to binge on, I didn't really want any of it.  And when I got home, I couldn't eat all of it without bolusing.. I felt guilty. So, by Sunday, I was back on the horse.  I was hoping that was a sign of a change; and I think maybe it is.

Although last night and today, I'm back off, making bad decisions.  After a day of high blood sugar, and a monsterous headache, I finally said to myself, "What am I doing?  This is nuts.  I'm not going to get any better if this is what I'm doing."  I faced the meter, checked my blood sugar and gave myself the correction I needed.

So I guess after this rambling post, I've decided that maybe the therapy will work.  Or maybe I've just decided myself that enough is enough.  Either way, I think I'll continue down this path, take it day by day, spend some much needed time finishing up the final plans for our wedding... that's 25 days away (YIKES!)... and truly enjoy life.

What's Good

I think today I need to remind myself of what's good about me and my life.  I've been so negatively focused for such a long period, that I think I need a refresher course of my good qualities and what I love about life. 

I'm tired of feeling dredged in sadness and feeling sorry for myself.  I'm sure I'm becoming a pain to my friends and family, and for someone who is so afraid of being judged negatively, it doesn't make me feel any better knowing the impression I am leaving on them.

So, if I can write type down my good qualities, the good things I have going for me and the things I love, maybe that will make me, once again, realize how good I've actually got it.

• I'm marrying my best friend in 33 days. :)
• My sister and I couldn't be more opposite, but she's the best sister ever
• My parents are AMAZING, everything I strive to be
• I have two awesome puppies that truly love me unconditionally
• My extended family is super close and I love getting together with every single one of them
• We own our home and are having fun updating it
• Despite the tone of this blog, I'm actually pretty funny and I love trying to make people laugh
• I am a really good cook and will spend hours in the kitchen trying new things
• I love adventure, camping and being outdoors
• I think I'm one of the nicest people ever
• I'm a great gift giver
• I'm a talented graphic designer
• I think I'm pretty smart
• I always soak in every moment, thouroughly enjoying the little things in life.
• Two things that ALWAYS put me in a good mood:  sunshine and good music
• I'm a very good competitive swimmer.  I love the water.  I will be a mermaid in my next life.
• I love going to the lake and relaxing on a boat
• I love fashion.  I will be a fashion designer/stylist/makeup artist mermaid in my next life.
• I love history and antiques.. I swear I'm like a 60 year old trapped in a 27 year old's body.. My birthday present was a trip to the American Pickers shop..

I could go on, but I think that this list reaffirms that my life is great!  It's definitely what I needed today.  When my mind is so bogged down with the negative, it's easy to forget who I really am.

I also want to share with you my awesome puppies:

And proof that I really do like to make people laugh :)

It's a Choice

Everyday, from my sophomore year in high school to my senior year, my English teacher had "It's A Choice" written on the whiteboard and all over the classroom.  She constantly reminded us that whatever decisions we made in life was a choice that we would make.  Everything from deciding what pencil to use to what our attitude was going to be that day was a choice.  I loved my English teacher and I think about that phrase almost daily.

But it's a struggle.  I wish all choices were easy, but they aren't.  I can choose to take my insulin properly, but I don't.  I can choose to eat the right foods, but on my bad days, I don't.  I make the bad choices day in and day out, but I can't seem to stop myself.  My disbulimia has a wrap around my positive decision making that constantly tells me that I need to punish myself, or lose that weight, or that I'm not good enough.  Those thoughts cloud my choice making, so I end up choosing the wrong things.

One positive choice that I made today was the choice that I was going to go get professional help.  I've realized that I can't do it on my own.  As embarrassed that I am that I'm a grown adult that can't get it together, I think it's the best decision that I've made.  After talking with my family, they all have told me that I shouldn't be embarrassed and that everyone needs help at one time or another.  I guess that's true.. but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing.

Since deciding that I need to go get help, I feel a little less stressed.  I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier, hoping that someone who specializes in eating disorders can give me encouragement and ideas that will help me. 

I know that I have to do the work and I have to want to get better and no one can do it for me, but I think that I'm ready for that.  I want to be back to normal.  I want to have fun with my friends and family.  I want to have the best summer with Brandon, doing anything and everything we can do.  I want to look forward to the future with confidence and not fear. 

I don't want to be driven crazy obsessing about this anymore.  I've broken down and I've had it.  I'm at the fork in the road where I can choose to go down the path of happiness and health or I can choose to let diabulimia be my life, and a short life it would be. 

I'm choosing happiness.

Today

I wasn't sure if I wanted to blog today.  I've had no aha moment, I don't feel upset, I haven't thought of anything profound... I've just gone about my day and I've actually been in a pretty good mood.  I didn't know what I would write about... but then it hit me... Pretty sure I'm in denial today.

I've fallen off the wagon slowly over the past few days, and I'm not proud of it, but I don't seem to care.  Usually, I get upset about what I'm doing to myself.  I worry about what I'm going to say if someone asks me how I'm doing.  I generally feel like crap, but for some reason today, I don't.

I ate my donuts for breakfast and didn't really think twice that I was A) eating donuts and B) didn't take insulin.  I've been munching on my coconut M&M's throughout the day, not really noticing, not trying to hide them as usual, and of course, not taking insulin.  Went to lunch with my mom and ordered what I wanted on the menu and didn't worry about what she would think if I ordered the fried chicken sandwich instead of the grilled, like I would normally worry about.  She asked if I was taking care of myself, I said I was, I changed the subject, gave myself a small amount of insulin just so she wouldn't ask, and ate my meal.  Now this afternoon, I've been casually strolling the office munching on the snacks that the guys have laying around, thinking to myself, I'm fine, I'm going to eat this and I don't care!  I've been thinking, eh, I'll take insulin to correct my blood sugar that I haven't checked in days and the correct amount for dinner tonight, and I'll be fine.  No one has to know that I slipped up, and most importantly, no one has to know that I didn't care about it. 

My jeans were loose this morning, and I think that's what gave me the encouragement that I've lost weight again and that I should keep going.  In a sick way, I felt good about myself this morning, so I've had that attitude all day. 

I keep thinking, ok, I'm going to start eating healthy again and exercise just like everyone else out there who wants to lose weight and be fit.  I need to work at it like everyone else.  But then I get lazy, so it continues.  I'm embarrassed.

I'm also afraid..  am I ever going to be happy with myself inside and out?

Perfection

I keep telling myself that after our wedding, I'm going to just eat what I want in moderation and if I gain weight from being healthy and taking insulin properly, then I gain weight.  I keep telling myself that I won't care what people think about how I look because they don't know my struggles.  They won't know that a little bit of weight gain means I'm actually healthy.  Plus, I won't be so stressed about looking my best in my wedding dress anymore.  So who cares, right?

The problem is that I care too much about what people think about me.  I do NOT want to be looked at negatively and I do everything in my power to project a perfect image.  I want to be the super nice, perfectly put together girl who leaves an impression on people.  I've been that way as long as I can remember.  I have always put such an emphasis on the clothes I wear, and the way my hair looks, and making sure my makeup is done just right.  And I don't have a mean bone in my body.  I've always been the nice girl who is a mega people pleaser and makes sure everyone else is happy before me.  So when I work so hard to put together this image, it would be my nightmare to be judged negatively, on anything.  That's my biggest fear and that's a lot of pressure.  

In reality, who honestly cares what I look like?  Does anyone really judge me for that?  I know that I don't look at other people that way.  I think other people's personalities are far more important than their looks, so why would I think that people care about that?  And even if they did, that's kind of sad, isn't it?  To go around and really judge people based on what they look like.  I've had a few people close to me tell me lately that they are struggling with their weight.  When they tell me that, I don't even notice that they would be worried about that.  I don't care what they look like, I love them for who they are.  So why is it such a big deal to me?  That's something I'm trying to figure out.



Throughout this journey, I've become very philosophical and I'm learning a lot about myself, life, and human nature.  And I think that's a good thing.  I'm sort of like my own therapist, which I also think is a good thing because with anything you're struggling with, it takes YOU to make a change.  Other people will support you, but no one can do it for you.  Also.. it's a lot cheaper to be your own therapist.. maybe with the money I save there, I can go buy myself a new outfit! 

One Minute

It really is one minute at a time that I'm working on overcoming this battle.  I have spent most of my day today sad and mad at myself for making poor food choices and even poorer blood sugar control choices because of my poor food choices.  I've been thinking about how embarrassed I am that I'm an adult but can't seem to find the strength to manage this disease.  I can't believe how much of a hold the beets has on my brain to make me feel this way and torture myself.

This is typically how a bad day goes.  It drives me crazy.  And then after all the dialogue in my head, the back and forth of feeling sad, guilty, mad, embarrassed, etc, I have an aha moment. (Thanks, Oprah)  A moment where I realize what I'm doing to myself and how important it is to get ahold of the good in my brain.  Today, that moment happened when I looked at a picture of Brandon and I.  We look so happy in it, and that's what matters.

I've been feeling such a disconnect lately with everything in my life, including him.  I feel like anything that I have to say isn't important, so I don't say it.  I've felt like these emotions have taken over my life, and it's not fair to him, or anyone, to listen to me complain about it AGAIN, so I don't.  But because I've been bottled up, I'm not letting anyone in or letting myself out, and that's a problem.

So when I looked at that picture, I realized how much I love being with him and how much fun we have when we're together and how I'm looking forward to spending my life with him and taking in all that life has to offer together.  And I can't do that if I'm stuck in the beets darkside.  We can't go out and have fun if I'm sad and want to be alone.  We can't update our house or go swim at the lake or go camping or do anything we love to do if I'm sick.  I need to keep fighting the fight and look forward to our future.

I know this is going to be an uphill battle for a little while, but I need to keep on keepin' on.  I'll eventually get to where I need to go.